


What Remains

by BelieveinPrinceCharming



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Clint Barton is a bro, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Social Anxiety, Thor Is Not Stupid, Thor is smarter than people think, Tony Angst, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-26 10:53:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2649341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelieveinPrinceCharming/pseuds/BelieveinPrinceCharming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Tony were being honest to himself he would have admitted that he had PTSD way before New York, way before Afghanistan even. He would admit to himself that the sound of slamming doors, raised voices, and breaking glass could trigger panic in him faster than the sound of bombs going off in the distance or the sight of still water.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so a few things
> 
> 1) This is my first fic - be gentle.  
> 2) It's based on my own experiences with a bipolar father and the anxiety left behind - if any of this is triggering to you or possibly upsetting, please don't continue reading.  
> 3) ~~Right now this is all I have but I plan on writing more if there is any interest.~~ So apparently this is addicting. There will be a lot more even if I have no idea what I'm doing.  
>  4) I have no beta so all mistakes are my own and I apologise if any are painful for you readers.  
> 5) Comments are love. <3

If Tony were being honest to himself he would have admitted that he had PTSD way before New York, way before Afghanistan even. He would admit to himself that the sound of slamming doors, raised voices, and breaking glass could trigger panic in him faster than the sound of bombs going off in the distance or the sight of still water. It wasn't that the kidnapping didn’t affect him or his jaunt off into deep space didn’t still wake him up in cold sweats sometimes, it was that those were things he could overcome. They were finite events that were over and done with, and so different from his day to day life that it was obvious they were no longer going on. He beat all of them – the Afghani terrorists, Loki’s army of demon spawn aliens and killer space whales. What he couldn't beat were the demons that had resided in his own head since childhood. 

For those who knew Tony, it was easy to assume that his father never paid attention to him and that he was left alone to grow up with hardly anyone to count on but himself. They, however, would only be partially correct. Howard actually loved Tony and some of the time Howard even knew how to show that. It was all the other times that left Tony the way he is. It was the times with the screaming so loud that Tony tried to bury himself in the wall with his hands over his ears to block it out. It was the times with the slamming of doors so hard that they left holes in the walls. It was the Christmas Eves when his father was throwing old family decorations shattering glass everywhere that left him like he is now. Because the one thing Tony couldn't get over was the fact that one of the few people in his life that he should have been able to trust with anything was the number one most unpredictable variable Tony had ever come across. 

For Tony, not knowing was the worst part of what he assume now was his father’s bipolar disorder. Not being able to predict whether it was going to be a good day or a bad day drove him insane and left him anxious and jittery every time he opened the front door after school. It was the not knowing that left him unable to bring friends back to the mansion because he wasn't able to trust whether or not his father would be triggered into a screaming rage that would be both terrifying and embarrassing. In fact, it would probably have been easier if his father hated him all the time because then he would be able to know how he could act around him. He could know that he should expect to be yelled out of the workshop every time he was caught in there instead of it being a fifty-fifty split between being chased out with a flying wrench at his head and the smell of more alcohol on his father’s breath than a man should be able to consume, or gestured over to Howard’s new project with an excited and carefree wave of the man’s hand.  


Only his mother and him (and sometimes Jarvis but Tony didn't think anything could phase that man) were privy to his father’s outbursts. To everyone else, Howard was the doting, if somewhat distant father and husband. No one knew what true horrors happened in the Stark mansion and the family secret remained within the family until the day Howard and Maria were killed in that car accident. 

It’s these memories that make him keep everyone an arm’s length away, because if his own father could be so untrustworthy and unpredictable, why would strangers be any different? Machines were easy. They never screamed at you, they never threw things that would shatter on the wall behind you, and they never left you fleeing for the guest house in the middle of the night. If something did go amiss, Tony could fix it. He could tear them apart, or rewrite their code and have them come back even better than before. He couldn't do that with people and he learned long ago that predictability when it came to his personal life was so much more important to him than letting people in.


	2. Give and Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers each have their own separate reactions to Tony’s drinking. He’s got the looks and subtle comments memorized by now.

Steve has settled on a fine line between disappointed and angry. The first time Tony got sloshed in front of him he seemed concerned but understanding. You don’t go to war and not expect things like this to happen occasionally to the people who have seen the most, and Tony has definitely seen more of his fair share of painful and strange. The next few times that concern slowly dissolved into disappointment as he saw what Tony let himself do despite knowing how much pain he caused while he was drunk. His words got sharper, his laugh meaner, and his jokes crueler, and yet, that knowledge didn’t seem to stop him. Tony felt a strange sort of victorious elation when he saw Steve settle into being angry every time he saw Tony with a drink. He got this drawn and pinched look in his eyes, pursed his lips and usually left the room without a word. It hurts Tony to be ignored almost as much as he enjoys getting the predictable reaction from the Captain, almost. 

Clint usually just laughs along and joins in with his crassness and jokes. Tony figures Clint needs the escape just as much as he does, but he can’t help noticing that by the end of the night Clint usually ends up supporting a staggering Tony back to his room. 

Natasha reacts pretty much the same way she reacts to anything else. She can throw words back at him that are sharper than the knives she keeps tucked in her boots but usually she just accepts his comments with a blank look or a slight raise in her eyebrow and then turns back to her book or whatever else she deems important that night. Tony doesn’t know why it bothers him that he’s never been able to get a rise out of her but he doesn’t want to think about that too much. 

Thor seems oblivious to the others’ concern regarding Tony’s habits and usually just gives his booming laugh and tells a story about one time or another when one of the Warriors Three drank too much and decided that attempting to pull a prank on Loki was a good idea. Occasionally, Tony can sense that Thor knows more than he lets on, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking on his part. 

Bruce… well Bruce never seems to be around when Tony decides to crack open the mini bar. Tony doesn’t quite know how he feels about that – whether he should be relieved or insulted. He guesses he understands, knows Bruce has too many memories similar to the ones Tony has of his own father, and he’s glad that he hasn’t been tempted into throwing too many barbs Bruce’s way. He doesn’t actually want to chase any of them away as much as he makes it seem like that sometimes. And, while he has gotten better, Tony knows Bruce still keeps a go-bag packed at all times. 

What they don’t understand though, is that the alcohol helps him feel normal. It stops the shaking in his hands when the world becomes too much and makes his brain stop feeling like its crawling out of his skull. It slows him down to what he imagines other people must feel like all the time and it’s such a relief that stopping doesn’t even seem like an option any more (he doesn’t let himself make comparisons between himself and his fa…Howard. It’s not the same - it isn’t). He knows he can be callous sometimes, but he can’t bring himself to stop saying the things that will drive the others away (he also doesn’t let himself think that it’s inevitable that they will leave anyway so he might as well speed up the process). It’s not like he ever lets it cause problems during missions – he’s smarter than that (most of the time). He just… needs to feel normal every once in a while and if they don’t like that, they know where the door is.


	3. Circus Monkey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Tony were pressed, he would surprisingly say that he thought Steve would be the one to have understood.

One of the good times he remembers with his father is listening to stories of Captain America. He remembers being so enthralled with the idea that his father was _friends with Steve Rogers _that he would constantly ask him to tell stories whenever he was around and in one of the moods where he actually wanted to be with Tony. His favourite was when Howard would talk about how much Steve hated being paraded around like a circus monkey before joining the Commandos. Even at age 6, Tony understood that feeling.__

____He didn’t mind being around adults all the time per say. Most children couldn’t keep up with his intellect and trying to keep himself entertained in their company nearly always ended in him getting in trouble for something or other. But at the same time adults weren’t much better – they understood how smart he was but still treated him as they would their own children. He was completely and utterly alone despite being paraded among hundreds of people his whole life. He used to comfort himself by pretending he was Captain America selling war bonds because if Steve Rogers could do it, so could Tony Stark. He still thought maybe Steve would understand that feeling of being put on for show._ _ _ _

____Even now he felt it most of the time, despite growing up and being one of the top 10 most worthy bachelors and a celebrity that many would die to actually meet in person – he still felt completely alone. So when he reached out to Steve to see if he even had an inkling of what it felt like (subtly, he wasn’t stupid enough to make it obvious that Tony Stark wanted a heart to heart) he was given a whole bunch of patriotic bullshit in return. How it was for the good of the country, and how, despite the fact that he didn’t enjoy it, it was his duty and he liked being able to accomplish something for the greater good even if it wasn’t all that he could do._ _ _ _

____“Besides, later I had the Howling Commandos, and let me tell you – it was hard to feel alone in that group, even if you wanted to.” Cap was getting better at talking about his past and even sent a wink and grin Tony’s way. Which Tony returned with one of his megawatt smiles and a quip about something or other that may have made Steve’s eyes go dark with confusion (but he was already on his way to his workshop to start on plan B so he didn’t get to see it – or, at least that’s what he told himself)._ _ _ _

____Even more surprisingly it was Clint who was the one who got it the most. During one of their drunken escapades, Clint let out that he was _actually _a circus performer when he was young and that one of the reasons he liked being up so high was so that he could watch everyone else instead of their eyes being on him. Tony stayed silent after this little confession, but even as he did he felt that little ring that was always tight around his chest loosen just a little and let a little more of himself into his smile for the night.___ _ _ _


	4. Talking is harder than it Sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Most of the time Tony Stark hates hearing himself talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Wish I could be this productive with my Uni work. 
> 
> Thanks for all the encouragement! <3

Sometimes Tony can’t stop talking. He knows he’s losing the people he’s talking to but he can’t. Stop. Talking. And not just talking either. It is rapid fire, faster than lightening sometimes and then absolute nonsense others. He knows this. He even knows when it’s happening but most of the time it feels like he can’t do anything about it so he rides the rollercoaster that is his own rapid fire speech until the other person gives up and makes their excuses to leave. No one’s ever said anything to him but he wish they would – maybe if someone mentioned it while it was happening he would _stop talking _long enough to take a breath or two and maybe make some goddamned sense.__

__Sometimes Tony doesn’t want to talk at all. This is usually when he hides himself in his workshop for days and avoids human contact for as long as possible. Given the fact that he is Tony Stark (and Iron Man or is it Iron Man and then Tony Stark – whatever), however, that doesn’t work out for very long. Eventually he gets dragged out of his workshop by the latest baddy of the week, or someone needs him to sign papers, or Clint’s broken the coffee machine again and Cap comes down with those puppy dog eyes because Natasha needs her caffeine but refuses to ask Tony for anything directly and the rest of the team is scared of her when she goes without that sweet nectar of the gods. When he gets like this his answers are monosyllable or nonexistent. Usually he spaces out and can barely remember who he was supposed to be talking to much less what they were talking about. And he knows this annoys people too – but they just don’t understand what it’s like to have all of this information and all of these numbers running through his head all the time. Sometimes his own ideas and thoughts get so distracting that trying to pay attention to another person is more effort than it’s worth._ _

__Most of the time Tony Stark is completely comfortable talking to a gigantic crowd, being up on stage and practically the sole focus of the audience. He was practically born on stage – it only makes sense that he would be comfortable on it. In fact, Tony Stark thrives on that attention. (He knows it probably has something to do with the fact that his parents barely paid attention to him when he was little but doesn’t try to think about that too much.) When the people he is talking to are small enough and in a large enough number that their faces are a blur, he can just be Tony Stark – Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist who thrives just a little too much off of the attention of others, who is just a little too full of himself to be taken seriously, and who doesn’t care nearly enough about what others think._ _

__Most of the time Tony Stark absolutely hates talking to people one on one. He can see it in their eyes when he loses them. He hates that he can see the exact moment they begin to drift and look for other forms of amusement, other people who can actually hold their attention. It’s at those times when he curses his brain more than he ever thought he could. He doesn’t usually hate his genius – it’s given him so much, but at times likes those, when thoughts are flashing too fast and in too great a number to the point where he can’t communicate like a fucking normal human being, that he just wishes he could shut it all down. He just wishes he could make it all stop._ _

__Most of the time Tony Stark hates hearing himself talk._ _


End file.
